Chapter 21
Elizabeth’s heart was still melting as her mind vividly recollected those sweet, forbidden moments – stolen from the rigors of decorum – she had spent in the warmth of Darcy’s arms. The exquisite sensation of sharing a bed – though not quite sharing it – of their bodies lying together, his breathtaking kisses and caresses that made her head spin as she felt her cheeks burn from pleasure and embarrassment.
Fortunately, nobody passed through the hall which led to Cassandra’s room; so, a few minutes later when Elizabeth opened the door to Cassandra’s chamber, she managed to appear calm and composed – but only for a moment. In the next instant, she actually cried with happiness; her ladyship was awake though still lying against the pillows, wearing a new gown, her hair dressed by a diligent Janey, and watched carefully by a tearful Mrs. Spencer.
Cassandra’s gaze met Elizabeth’s and she forced a smile. Elizabeth hurried to the bed and sat, taking Cassandra’s hand gently; the maid retired politely.
“You look beautiful, Cassandra. Oh, I am so happy to see you like this!”
Cassandra laughed, but even that slight exertion pained her, and the smile turned into a grin; she struggled to conceal a deep moan as she replied.
“You look beautiful, Elizabeth. I look like a woman who has broken half of her bones. Poor Janey worked so hard to give me a normal appearance.” She tried to sound light and teasing – with little success.
“Oh, we shall not fight over which of us looks more beautiful, shall we?” Elizabeth answered, laughing yet tearful. “I am so happy to see you recovered, Cassandra…”
Cassandra squeezed her hand gently and gave her a determined look.
“Elizabeth, I was told everything you did for me – your care, your sleepless nights, your devotion. I do not know how I can possibly find the words to thank you – to show my gratitude…”
“Then do not!” Elizabeth interrupted her, fighting with her own emotions. “As you told me some time ago, let this be the last time we speak of gratitude and thanks! Besides, the mere fact that I have your ladyship lost for words is worth any effort.”
“Oh dear, you are as bad at receiving gratitude as is my girl,” Mrs. Spencer said with affection. “However, I am not lost for words, and I will tell you, Miss Bennet, that I am in your debt forever.”
Elizabeth was speechless and felt herself fortunate a moment later when the door opened and Georgiana entered, almost throwing herself on the bed to embrace her friend.
Cassandra moaned again in obvious pain, but did nothing to push the girl away – quite the contrary.
“Cassandra, how are you feeling?”
“I feel perfectly well, dearest.”
“You are not perfectly well, I can see that, but you do look so much improved! Oh, I missed your smile.”
“And I missed you, sweeting,” Cassandra replied lovingly. “Now do sit down here, near us, and tell me what you have been doing these past days.”
“I have done nothing… I was so worried for you…”
“I am sorry for giving you such a hard time, dearest.”
“Do not say that; it was not your fault. I am just happy to see you improving… William and David and Mr. Bingley are downstairs; they will be here in a moment. They were so happy when the doctor told us…”
“David is here?” Cassandra inquired abruptly, with obvious disbelief.
“Cassandra, you know the Colonel is here… I told you as much last evening,” said Elizabeth, but the patient stared at her without understanding.
“I did not know he was here…”
“Oh, of course he is here!” continued Georgiana enthusiastically. “He has been here all the time… Oh Cassandra, if you could see his devotion! He almost did not leave your side at all while you were unconscious…”
Georgiana’s eyes were bright with emotion and tears as she tried to describe David’s proofs of affection. Cassandra turned quite pale, her eyes narrowed in anger.
“You allowed David to stay in my room while I was unconscious? To see me in that state? How dare you do that?” Cassandra’s reproach was clearly directed to Mrs. Spencer, but Elizabeth and Georgiana startled under the severity of her words.
“Has my illness been such an entertaining spectacle? Did you invite the whole of Meryton?”
“Cassandra, why are you speaking so? I do not understand…” Georgiana’s voice trembled anxiously, and her eyes opened wider with shock.
“What is so difficult to understand, Georgiana? How is it possible that strange men were allowed into my room while I was ill? Do I have no reason to be upset?”
“Please calm yourself, my child.” Mrs. Spencer tried unsuccessfully to temper her.
“I am not your child, Mrs. Spencer! I am your mistress, and you should treat me accordingly,” she replied sharply.
Elizabeth and Georgiana looked at each other, embarrassed. Mrs. Spencer’s only reaction was a slight, reproachful move of her head. None of the ladies, in the throes of their argument, noticed the three gentlemen staring at them from the doorway.
Georgiana, still trying to make Cassandra see reason, continued, “Cassandra, there were no strange men in your room. Only William and David… But you called for David…”
“Georgiana, I was unconscious! How could I call for anybody? I may have mumbled a name in my delirium, but that does not mean you should allow into my room any man with that name…”
“Cassandra, do not speak to Georgiana in such a way. If anybody is at fault, it would be me,” said the Colonel soundly, stepping inside.
Cassandra looked at him, unable to move or even sit up. She felt helpless, weak and trapped lying there in the bed under his intense gaze. Unable to reply, she turned her head in an attempt to dismiss them.
“David is not ‘any man,’” continued Georgiana with an unusual determination. “You did call for him and I know why you did so. David told us everything that happened between you…”
Darcy and Elizabeth instantly moved toward Georgiana to protect her; Bingley stared blankly at the gathering, silently wondering what caused such a din in a moment which should have been full of happiness and gratitude; Cassandra frowned – her green eyes dark – and tried to move, but a sharp pain sapped her strength.
“Indeed, that was a very good strategy, Colonel…and very gentleman-like. Exactly what did you intend to accomplish by informing everyone that we shared a bed?”
The room grew silent; not even their breaths could be heard, perhaps because everyone had ceased breathing. Cassandra and David were still glaring at each other, their eyes locked in a silent battle.
A shocked Bingley wordlessly opened his mouth a few times. Darcy cast a quick glance at Elizabeth and, meeting her shocked, inquiring glance, averted his eyes. Georgiana looked incredulously around the room, seeking any aid to clarify the painful misunderstanding.
Mrs. Spencer took a few steps and, with perfect calm, addressed Cassandra. “In fact, the Colonel told us that he had proposed to you and was refused. He took the blame upon himself for your calling his name while you were unconscious. He explained that he had been too insistent in his address and likely had distressed you too much.”
Cassandra’s eyes blinked repeatedly while her teeth bit her lower lip; a small drop of blood appeared, but she seemed not to notice. She continued to look at David until, with a long gaze, he apologized for intruding and exited the room. Darcy hesitated a moment, his eyes moving from Elizabeth to his sister and finally to Cassandra, then he followed his cousin with Bingley on his heels.
When the last of the gentlemen quitted the room, Cassandra’s weak cry broke the silence. Georgiana stood frozen in the middle of the room, her eyes never leaving Cassandra.
Elizabeth resumed her seat on the bed close to Cassandra. She did not know exactly what had happened but, from Cassandra’s reaction, felt it was much more than a forsaken proposal. And, despite Cassandra’s harsh, undeserved words toward the Colonel, Elizabeth could easily see Cassandra was suffering at least as much as the rejected gentleman. Something painful was separating the two, and this was not the proper time to press for answers. Still, Elizabeth could not refrain from resolutely pursuing the painful subject.
“Cassandra, I know you are upset, and I also know I have no right to insist further. But you did call for the Colonel, and he came more than willingly. He had been so grieved, his suffering so genuine; he wanted nothing more than to help you. It is not that you were delirious. You did not cry out random names – only his. And his presence was quite beneficial for you. He was never alone with you; one of us was always here. But he did stay with you many hours, and we were grateful to him. You calmed when he spoke to you; you slept peacefully while he was here; you took your medicine only when he gave it to you. I know you are a bright woman and can understand our reasons; but, if not, I still cannot repent that we allowed him to stay here. We were so worried that we would lose you; we would have done anything to help you. And the Colonel did help you recover; I have no doubt of that. Can you not see? You were in great danger of dying…”
“You should have let me die; it would have been better for everyone,” she replied weakly, her eyes meeting Elizabeth’s only briefly. Cassandra turned her head to the side, her beautiful face so transformed by grief that Elizabeth trembled. She could sense that Cassandra was in earnest. How could Elizabeth possibly respond to such an assertion?
“How dare you?” Georgiana’s startled cry of anger and desperation came from nowhere. “How dare you say such a thing when we spent the last days praying for you? Do you know that Elizabeth has slept not at all since your accident? Nor has Mrs. Spencer or Janey! And now, when recovered, instead of thanking them, you are yelling at them and pretending it would have been better for everybody if you were dead? What gives you the right to say so? You do not always know what is best for everyone around you!”
Neither Elizabeth nor Mrs. Spencer could intervene or recover from the shock of Georgiana’s outburst.
Cassandra’s cheeks turned from pale to crimson and she stretched her hand toward Georgiana. The girl stepped away to increase the gulf between them. “Georgiana, you do not understand…”
“Oh, but I do understand perfectly! I understand that you are upset with David when you should be happy and grateful for his affection and devotion. He did not hesitate to open his heart to us, to confess his feelings and his failure in securing your hand in order to be allowed to watch over you. He did not care for decorum or for exposing himself to ridicule; his only concern was your well-being. Instead, for some strange reason, you purposely deny what is so obvious to all of us: your own affection for him. It is like…like you are afraid to admit it, like you fight against your own heart. Are you afraid, Cassandra? Is that why you behave so selfishly, so inconsiderately toward your friends? You, who were never afraid of anything!”
The girl’s face was flustered from her emotional speech, but she continued in a trembling voice, tears rolling from her eyes. “For years, you and William were my only family; I could not love a sister more than I love you, and I considered myself so fortunate for having you. I admired you even more than I loved you! And now…now you wish you died just because you cannot reconcile yourself with your own feelings for David?! This is not the Cassandra I have known! This is not my kind, generous, brave
Cassandra! I pray to the Lord that you are not yet fully recovered and that tomorrow everything will be different, and you will be yourself again.” Georgiana promptly left the room, wiping her tears furiously.
Elizabeth’s calling after her was unanswered, so she followed the girl with a final brief glance toward Cassandra, whose face was crumpled in shock.
As soon as they were alone in her chamber, Cassandra managed to recollect enough to whisper a plea, as a child begging for a favor. “Mrs. Spencer, would you excuse me, please? I would like to rest now… I am not feeling well…”
The elder lady smiled lovingly and, with a slight move of her head expressing her gentle reproach – the same gesture well-known by Cassandra since she was a little girl – arranged the bed sheets around her.
“Try to rest, my child. I will watch over you; everything will be fine, you will see…”
Cassandra turned her face to the fire and allowed tears to roll down her face, without even attempting to hide them; Mrs. Spencer knew all too well whether she was crying, laughing or simply unfair to those around her. After all, Cassandra had been “her girl” for years.
~/~/~/~ For the second time in the last couple of days, Darcy was speechless in front of his cousin. Bingley had politely respected their privacy and remained in the drawing room with Jane and Mrs. Hurst, unsuccessfully attempting to appear calm while he answered their questions about Lady Cassandra’s improvement.
Silently, Darcy poured a glass of brandy for his cousin. “David, I truly do not know what to say… I feel I need to apologize for Cassandra’s reaction…”
“That is ridiculous, Darcy. You have nothing to do with this. Besides, there is no need to feel pity or embarrassment for me – I am quite fine. I am more worried and deeply ashamed of what Miss Bennet and Georgiana might believe of me… I am afraid they might believe I took advantage of Cassandra to…you know.”
“It was a shock for them, there is no doubt about that…and I really do not know how we could clarify things. This is not something I can openly discuss with them, especially Georgiana.”
“Of course, you cannot discuss the matter with your fiancée or with your sister, and I would not expect that of you; you have been more indulgent than one could hope. I must apologize for placing you in such a delicate position.”
“David, you know Cassandra is as dear as a sister to me. If I knew about…that delicate situation before it actually happened, I would have done everything in my power to avoid it…as long as you two did not have an understanding of any kind. However, it did happen, and I do trust that you did not take advantage of Cassandra in any way. So there is little for me to do except be indulgent and accept your current disagreement, hoping for a happy outcome.” He gave the Colonel a sympathetic, bitter smile.
“Thank you, Darcy.”
“No need to thank me, David. Your distress is not unknown to me; I was in the same situation in the recent past. I remember the painful bitterness of being rejected by the woman you love.”
“Darcy, I do appreciate your concern. However, my friend, I would rather not have any intervention – from anyone. You may say I am being presumptuous, and I might sound stupid, but I am more hopeful than I have ever been in the last months.”
Darcy’s obvious surprise made the Colonel laugh while emptying his glass. “I never expected Cassandra to awake and, a minute later, accept my hand. I am a reasonable man and know her too well. On the other hand, I also know her feelings – better than she does. She did call me, Darcy; not her husband, not you or Georgiana, not even her parents – only me. Am I mistaken in assuming so much? Perhaps, but I will continue to do so until I am proved wrong. Yet, I will not persist in my pursuit – I decided that even before her accident. As soon as I am certain she is completely recovered and out of any danger, I will allow her time to explore her own heart and find the answers she still seeks. I am in no hurry, Darcy; I can wait. Now I know that only her mind forbade her from being happy again. Her heart has betrayed her reason, and I was there to witness it. She does care deeply for me, Darcy. I can wait.”
David Fitzwilliam was not asking for advice nor did he seek approval; he was only stating his feelings and his decision, and no answers were required. And Darcy – still vividly remembering how his previous advice almost ruined Bingley’s life – did not dream of offering even one piece of wisdom. His cousin knew better in matters of the heart – that had been a universally acknowledged truth their entire lives.
*** In the rear garden, Elizabeth was speaking calmly to a furious and not so reasonable Georgiana. Elizabeth could not decide if she should be worried or amused by the girl’s sudden, unexpected transformation and loudly expressed anger. At least Elizabeth was contented – and relieved, as she was not prepared to debate that delicate subject – that Georgiana seemed to give no consideration to the secret revealed by Cassandra’s outburst. She was still angry and agitated – a very uncommon state of spirit for her - but she did not appear at all shocked.
Their attention was diverted by Darcy walking in their direction, but not even that would calm Georgiana.
“Georgiana, what happened?” asked her brother with a quick but meaningful glance toward Elizabeth.
“Georgiana had a very…heated argument with Cassandra,” Elizabeth responded with a slight smile.
“An argument? About what?”
“About her being selfish and unfair, and being afraid of admitting her feelings for David,” Georgiana explained, daringly.
Darcy stared speechless at his sister; he had never witnessed such a reaction or tone in his sister’s voice. “Georgiana, you should not speak of Cassandra in such a manner.”
“Oh, William, I know I should not have been so harsh on her, but I could not help myself. I was so tired; it was happening again after everything was finally settled between you and Elizabeth. After all that has happened during the last year, after so much suffering and misunderstanding, when I finally thought everyone would be happy together – I could not bear it!”
“Dearest, there are things you do not understand – things I am not allowed to speak of…” His eyes trailed from Georgiana to Elizabeth’s inquiring glance then returned to his sister.
“If you cannot speak of them, how can you ask me to understand?” the girl continued, but her voice lost some of its control.
“I do not ask you to understand. I only ask you to consider that Cassandra must have her own reasons for behaving as she does. We should not judge her nor try to interfere.”
“She said we should have let her die – that it would have been better for all of us. How could she say such a dreadful thing?” the girl whispered, her tearful eyes searching her brother’s. Darcy blinked repeatedly a few times as he comprehended her words.
But it was Elizabeth’s trembling voice that responded. “Georgiana, I am sure Cassandra did not truly mean it. They were only words… Many times, when we are upset or angry, we carelessly express ourselves, never considering how our words could hurt those around us. I know, for I did that not long ago… I have been unfair and cruel in my anger, and I said many things that I did not truly mean…or, perhaps I did in that moment, but soon came to regret them. Cassandra knows how important she is to us, and I am certain she already regrets that painful statement.” Elizabeth finished and she dared to cast a brief, tentative glance toward Darcy. His dark gaze caressed her face tenderly as his lips twisted into a smile.
“Furthermore, dearest,” added Darcy with a light tone which took both ladies by surprise, “you should show more tolerance for people’s follies. Your own brother is the champion at saying things that should remain unsaid. Quite strange, I might add, for a gentleman who – according to Miss Bingley – is without fault.”
Both Elizabeth and Georgiana laughed, a nervous but sincere laugh – the perfect palliation for their distress. Pleased with their reaction, Darcy offered each an arm and continued, teasingly.
“Let us all take a stroll in the garden and I shall tell you, my dear sister, the story of a gentleman who called merely ‘tolerable’ the most astonishing woman he had ever known. Fortunately, the lady was wise and generous enough to forgive him.”
“That seems a very interesting story, Mr. Darcy,” Elizabeth teased him, and Georgiana chuckled again as they walked together along the path.
“And, my dear Georgiana,” continued Elizabeth, “I will tell you of a day a year ago when Mr. Darcy walked along this same path in the very close company of Mrs. Hurst and Miss Bingley. So close that there was no room left for me, so I retired politely to allow them the full intimacy of their friendship.”
“Then again,” continued Darcy talking with his sister as though ignoring Elizabeth’s intervention completely, “it is very possible that the lady I spoke of never truly forgave me, for I notice that she takes every opportunity to tease me quite cruelly.”
His face showed sincere offense and his tone was quite severe, so Elizabeth could not contain her laughter; an instant later, Georgiana joined her. Darcy continued to look vexed; and, blushing violently, Elizabeth mused that perhaps a soft kiss would change his countenance. Of course that was not possible at the moment, but the mere thought was as delightful as it was forbidden.
Georgiana understood perfectly that her brother and soon-to-be sister struggled to improve her disposition, so she accepted their attempt with gratitude. As for Cassandra, Georgiana could only hope things would change for the better. After all, if William and Elizabeth had succeeded in moving past their earlier disagreements and come to such a perfect understanding, surely it was possible for Cassandra and David, as well!
*** Dinner was a pleasant and animated affair, though not completely without its awkward moments. The one most affected by the recent revelation was Mr. Bingley. As the master of the house, burdened by his responsibilities and torn between his loyalty for Cassandra and his friendship with the Colonel, he could not decide whose side he should take. Even more, he struggled to understand when they did…that meeting Lady Cassandra talked about. Bingley felt uneasy considering how distressed Cassandra and the Colonel must feel having their private affairs so publicly exposed. Thank God Caroline was not there! And thank God dear Jane did not know the particulars of the affair, or she would have been excessively distressed herself! It was indeed a most trying time for Charles Bingley, his only consolation being the constant presence of his beloved.
The Gardiners called, together with Mr. Bennet, and were invited to stay for dinner. They expressed their delight in Lady Cassandra’s improvement; but, with much consideration for the lady’s comfort, Mrs. Gardiner did not insist on seeing the lady. There would be enough time for visits later when she was completely recovered.
Elizabeth embraced her father, and a truce was settled between them. Mr. Bennet did not lose the opportunity to inquire if she remained determined to betray him to Mrs. Bennet, and was pleased to see his daughter laugh and assure him she would forgive him just this once. Furthermore, Mr. Bennet declared that the stress he had been through during the last days affected his health greatly, and he would need some days of complete solitude, preferably in Pemberley’s library! Mr. Darcy seemed disconcerted for a moment, and then hastily assured his soon-to-be father-in-law that he would be most welcome in any of their houses whenever he pleased. Mr. Bennet was content.
The Colonel was not his usual, jovial self, nor did he appear to be in exceptionally low spirits. But he spoke little, mostly with the Gardiners and Mr. Bennet, some with Georgiana – who appeared more worried than he – and exchanged a few words with Elizabeth. Their exchange remained tense; though Elizabeth could not possibly blame him for Darcy’s duel, she still harbored some ill will for his patronizing attitude toward her during their confrontation. David seemed, however, to understand he had offended her; so the first thing he did was apologize to Elizabeth, and he received a charming, polite smile in return. Indeed, Elizabeth felt more concern and pity for him than anger, so she concluded that a smile and support would be more helpful than acrimony. Any punishment he might deserve for being an arrogant and selfish cad, he would surely receive – in double measure – from Cassandra.
Miss Bingley was persisting in her continual silence, low spirits and slight civility toward her guests. She made no effort at concealing her lack of enjoyment in their presence and retired as soon as propriety would allow, pleading a headache and correspondence that required her attention. Even her sister, Mrs. Hurst, threw her a sharp, reproachful look, but Caroline utterly ignored it.
Rather than searching for excuses or apologizing to his guests, Mr. Bingley chose to appear indifferent and quite relieved by Caroline’s early retirement. Indeed, as she could not be civil, it was preferable that she absent herself completely and allow the others to spend the remainder of the evening in pleasant conversation.
The gentlemen’s separation was as brief as possible, and Darcy wasted not a moment in securing a seat near Elizabeth when he returned.
“You seem very quiet tonight, Miss Bennet,” he said politely, yet his voice contradicted his teasing glance.
Her eyebrow rose as her lips narrowed in a smile. “I depend on you, sir, to find an interesting subject of conversation, so I will be quiet no longer.”
“Are you preoccupied?” he whispered, his voice turning serious.
“Oh, do not worry, ’tis nothing; I was merely thinking of Cassandra and Georgiana. The poor dear looked exhausted, and I insisted she should retire soon. The Colonel, however, seems...well enough; he appears to bear the situation quite calmly,” she said. Her hidden reproach did not go unnoticed.
“Elizabeth, please do not judge David from his appearance. His affection is sincere, and his feelings are as strong and honest as are his intentions. Unfortunately, the circumstances are uncommon.” Darcy was obviously struggling to imply more than he was saying and Elizabeth, though curious and somewhat annoyed by his secrecy, made no further inquiries.
“You must be correct, as you know your cousin much better than I, and I am certain you would never allow him to hurt Cassandra. I do hope she is feeling better.”
“The doctor said she was. She merely requires rest, as do you and Georgiana! You both should retire early; I am sure your aunt will understand. Miss Jane and Mrs. Hurst can keep her company.”
“Yes, I will... However, I intend to visit Cassandra before going to bed,” she said, casting a quick glance at him. The memory of her previous night’s visit in his room and the mere mention of the word “bed” brought a fierce blush to her cheeks. She averted her eyes from his, mortified and furious with herself for such a reaction in full view of the others.
“I am sure Cassandra will be pleased to see you.”
She was not looking at Darcy, but he sounded slightly disturbed himself; after a moment of hesitation, he continued. “Mr. Gardiner and Mr. Bennet intend to stay longer, and I will join them; so I suppose I will retire quite late, as we have business to discuss – real business,” he repeated.
She finally raised her eyes to his and struggled to smile as she replied teasingly, “Oh, I sincerely hope you are not planning another duel so soon.”
He returned her smile and, hoping no one would notice his gesture, brushed his fingers against her hand. “As I told Georgiana earlier, you find great enjoyment in teasing me quite cruelly, Miss Bennet.”
“I confess I do, sir.”
They continued in the same manner, smiling and teasing one another on a variety of subjects; yet, their intense gazes were speaking of what mattered most and words dared not express: there would be no chance for them to meet privately that evening. Their mutual regret was easily read in each other’s eyes, even more so as they were unlikely to have other intimate moments until their wedding. With Cassandra’s improving condition, Elizabeth and Jane planned to return to Longbourn the next day.
But perhaps it was best; their nightly interludes had become increasingly perilous for their reputations – in every possible respect.
~/~/~/~ Mrs. Gardiner, together with Jane, insisted Elizabeth retired for the night with Georgiana. She obeyed, eventually, and took her leave from the gentlemen as well.
In a room full of her relatives, with her father only a few inches away, Darcy said a very polite “good night,” bowing to her without even touching her hand; his tender gaze lingered only a few moments upon her face, but Elizabeth could feel his eyes burning her cheeks and lips. Flustered and mortified, unable to speak coherently, she almost ran from room. She needed to rest – immediately – before she made a complete and irremediable fool of herself.
An hour later, prepared for sleep and dressed in her nightgown with her hair about her shoulders, Elizabeth entered Cassandra’s chamber.
Mrs. Spencer was seated in an armchair close to the bed. Cassandra seemed asleep; but, the moment Elizabeth entered, she called her name.
“Elizabeth…how nice of you to come and see me.”
“I do not want to disturb you. I only wished to see if you are well.”
Mrs. Spencer greeted Elizabeth affectionately, then excused herself to fetch Janey; with a motherly tenderness, she caressed Cassandra’s hair and received a grateful, loving smile from the young woman.
“I am well, thank you…and very pleased to see you. You are too kind to worry for me so much, kinder than I deserve…”
Before Elizabeth could contradict her, she continued shyly, “Elizabeth, how is Georgiana? Is she still upset?”
“She is upset,” Elizabeth answered after a short hesitation. “But all will pass soon, I am certain of that.”
“Are you upset with me, too, Elizabeth? I thought you might not come to visit me again, after…” Cassandra’s voice sounded weak and hesitant, as if dreading the answer.
“I am not upset, Cassandra. I am only concerned for you. How could you think I would not come to see you?”
“I wonder what you must think of me…of my scandalous behavior. I do not dare ask how your opinion of me has changed.”
“Cassandra, my opinion of you has changed, but not in the way you think.” Elizabeth moved to sit near her and held her hand. “I have come to like you more with every day spent in your company…which is why I understood Georgiana’s anger when you said you would have rather died. This was cruel and unfair and so untrue! But I also understood your pain. I did not forget that, less than a fortnight ago on that horrible night, I said the same thing. And you were there to comfort me.”
“I know I have been unfair… I hurt my dearest Georgiana so much! And David…it is true that he proposed to me and I refused him and then…it was not his fault, but mine! It was I who invited him to my chamber! But you must believe me, Elizabeth, I am not a wanton woman, I am not in the habit of…”
“Cassandra, please stop! There is no need to distress yourself nor explain anything to me…”
“But I do want to explain it to you! I do want you to understand, and then I beg you will do me another enormous favor: help Georgiana to understand, too. I would never dare speak to her directly about such a scandalous subject; I simply cannot. Will you allow me to burden you with a dreadful story, a story I kept the deepest secret for more than four years? I know I am horribly selfish in exposing you to such a confession, but I cannot bear it alone any longer. I need a friend to help me carry it – a lady friend to understand my fears and my nightmares. Because Georgiana was correct: I am so frightened, Elizabeth – so very frightened!”
Elizabeth forgot to breathe at this extraordinary outburst; and, for a moment, her only thought was to call for the doctor, as she was certain Cassandra’s delirium had returned. But she was unable to move, as Cassandra’s hand was clenched on hers.
“Dear Cassandra, I will listen to anything you want to share with me. Having your trust and friendship could never be a burden to me. Just let me know in what way I can possibly help you, and I will not hesitate to do it.”
An hour passed with only the sound of Cassandra’s low voice, weary and drained of emotion, as her eyes, weak from tears, stared persistently at Elizabeth. When she completed her story, Elizabeth had to remember to breathe again. She looked at Cassandra with wide eyes, afraid to believe what she had just heard and helpless in the face of her friend’s grief.
“I do not know what to say,” she whispered, after a long silence.
“I do not need an answer – only understanding,” Cassandra replied. “I hope you understand why I have not the courage to allow myself to suffer again.”
“Is William familiar with this story?”
“He is… He and Mrs. Spencer are the only ones who met my husband and participated in the tragic events which followed.”
“And the Colonel?”
“I told David the day after…you know… It was I who invited him to my room – did I tell you that? I behaved so scandalously, so selfishly! I had already refused him a month ago in London and then, when I felt lonely and frightened, I asked him to keep me company... Afterwards, he insisted we should marry, and I persisted in refusing him, so he became angry; he seemed so affected, so hurt…and I could not bear for him to believe I was only toying with him, that I was a shameless woman… So I told him…”
Elizabeth rose and began pacing the room; she walked to the window, returned to Cassandra’s bed, and then stopped to stare through the window again. Finally, she resumed her place, and her eyes met those of her friend.
“Cassandra, I would not presume to advise you in any way – I do not consider myself wise enough to do so. I just…your story is astonishing – you are astonishing for enduring so much grief, so much pain, for all these years and still remaining such a spirited, lively woman.”
Cassandra laughed nervously. “Yes, it is a wonder I did not lose my sanity. At least my head was not broken when I fell from the horse.”
“Cassandra, mock your pain if you like, but I am sure you understand my meaning. Will you allow me to speak openly – to dare ask you a question?” Elizabeth’s request was tentative; and, though she expected a refusal, it did not come.
“Yes, by all means, please do ask me anything; there is nothing I would conceal from you. I truly do not have other secrets, which is quite fortunate, is it not?” Cassandra continued to speak in jest about herself, but Elizabeth did not join her.
“I understand now why you were so affected by the duel, and why you were so angry with William and the Colonel – in truth, I am growing angrier myself! But you seemed to be confident in the Colonel’s affection, and your words betrayed your own feelings for him. From what you have said, he cannot be blamed for what happened in the past. So why would you reject him?”
“Why reject him? But Elizabeth, I thought you understood! How can you ask such a question?” Cassandra seemed shocked and incredulous that Elizabeth was unable to see her reasoning, yet Elizabeth, who managed to regain some of her usual wit and spirit, did not allow herself to be intimidated.
“Yes, why? I beg your forgiveness if I upset you, but I see no motive. I imagine the memory of your husband is vivid. But…he is not here and will never be again. It is not as though you were betraying him.”
Cassandra startled and paled, but did not reply.
Elizabeth gently took Cassandra’s hand and caressed her hair as she often did with her little cousin. “Cassandra, I would not dare pretend to understand your pain and despair in losing the man you loved. But I sense that you are not afraid of suffering – it is being happy again that frightens you.”
A silent confrontation followed: Elizabeth’s dark eyes – sparkling with determination, liveliness and affectionate support – locking with Cassandra’s green gaze – fearful, empty and almost lifeless. Then, a whisper broke the silence of the chamber.
“Elizabeth, I do not even know if what I feel for David is real affection. He is so different from Thomas, and what I feel for David is so different from what I felt for Thomas.”
“Cassandra, I am no expert in this. I have never fantasized myself to be in love with any other man except William, but I imagine it is not possible to experience the same kind of affection for two different people. I mean... Even with my own sisters... I do love all of them, but they are so different from each other. I care for them deeply, but in different ways. And look at Jane and myself: I am certain she loves Mr. Bingley very much, but she behaves so differently from me. Of course, she is more proper!”
Cassandra laughed – a small, tearful laugh – and Elizabeth joined her.
“Yes, I suppose you are correct.”
“Then what is it? Do you doubt the nature of the Colonel’s interest in you, or yours for him? Do you think you might only be interested in…each other’s temporary company?” Elizabeth asked daringly, mortified that she had the courage to address such a question.
Cassandra was obviously surprised, and her countenance changed in embarrassment, but she did not avoid the question.
“Elizabeth Bennet, you are a very bright young woman, despise your lack of experience,” she replied, attempting a teasing smile, and then she continued, clearly uneasy. “I confess I did suspect that in David...at least in the beginning, as I knew his disposition for flirting. I also accused him of a mercenary interest when I refused his marriage proposal...”
“Cassandra, I watched the Colonel for almost a week, nursing you and suffering for you...and, though I am still very angry with him for his involvement in that stupid duel, I can testify to the depth of his affection for you...”
“Oh, I do believe you, Elizabeth. I no longer doubt his feelings...”
“But what about yours?”
“Mine?”
“Yes, Cassandra, your feelings...your interest in David. I might upset you again, but I saw you with him while you were unconscious, and I can testify to your feelings as well.”
“Elizabeth, I... Except for my husband, I never... It was only David who... But I do not know if I dare consider a future with David. I will not deny I enjoy his presence, his closeness, and I am sure you are able to understand my meaning. But how could I marry him when we argue all the time? I am glad to see him, and I confess I did miss him when he was away... And I do think of him often, but I also disagree with him in so many ways! And he is so stubborn, so stupid and inconsiderate sometimes – as happened when he supported Darcy’s decision about the duel! How could I marry such a man? We would both be miserable… He deserves a more docile woman, a woman without a past like mine, a woman who will never compare him to another man… Do you not agree?”
Elizabeth smiled and squeezed Cassandra’s hand. “In this, I do have some advice, as I have vast experience in fighting the man I love and will shortly marry! In truth, I am in the position of marrying the last man in the world I thought I would ever marry! Can you believe that?”
They laughed again; a liberating laughs which brought tears to Cassandra’s eyes and seemed to bring them back to life.
“Cassandra, as for what kind of woman the Colonel deserves – well, you already said you two argue all the time, so you would likely argue in this, too. He seems to be convinced you are the woman he desires. Fortunately, there is time to give everything proper consideration. We may speak of this again in the next days when your health is completely restored. You have had enough torment for the first day of your recovery and must not distress yourself more, nor must you make a decision this moment. I doubt the Colonel will return tomorrow morning with a renewal of his proposal,” she laughed.
“I doubt he will ever renew his proposal, especial after my outburst earlier this morning.”
“Oh, I said that, too, a few months ago, and was proved utterly wrong.” Elizabeth smiled.
“Things were different with you and Darcy.”
“Indeed they were, and I admit your situation is more difficult. But, Cassandra, as long as there is a chance of happiness, I am certain you will not let it vanish forever.”
“But, Elizabeth...am I allowed to think of happiness when Thomas and our child are dead?”
Suddenly, it was cold in the room, and Elizabeth felt her hand trembling. How could she answer such a question?
“Cassandra, I think... I think you should cherish the memory of your husband and child forever; but, since God has offered you the gift of love a second time, I believe you are not allowed to waste it.”
~/~/~/~ Elizabeth walked through the main hall to her room, barely conscious of her own steps. Her head was spinning from Cassandra’s story, and her heart was aching for her friend’s grief. Everything she had imagined, everything she had speculated in the last weeks, was nothing compared to this extraordinary revelation. And the fact that Cassandra had actually asked for her advice, guidance and support was a responsibility almost too heavy to bear.
She stopped to rest against the wall before reaching her door, and almost screamed when she noticed a shadow approaching and felt two strong hands imprisoning her shoulders.
“Elizabeth, what are you doing here? What happened? You look very ill!” Darcy’s voice reverberated strongly in her ears, and she was certain the entire house had heard him, but she did not care. The mere fact of seeing him, of feeling him so close after that frightening story in which Cassandra had lost her beloved, became more important to her than any consideration for propriety or any fear of scandal. She encircled his waist and she nestled herself to his chest, her head leaning against his heart.
He lifted her in his arms, carried her inside her chamber, and gently placed her on the bed. Her arms were still clamped tightly around his waist.
“Elizabeth, what is the matter, my love?”
“Nothing is the matter,” she replied, raising her eyes to meet his. “Now that I see you, everything is fine. It is just that I spoke to Cassandra… She told me the entire story…”
“Oh my dearest…” he whispered and leaned by her side to embrace her. She cuddled in the comfort of his arms and closed her eyes, melting in the warmth of his embrace.
“I am so shocked…grieved for Cassandra…”
“I know…”
“And, William, I am so angry with you,” she continued in a severe tone, though she remained in his embrace.
He frowned and pulled her even closer to him. “Elizabeth, forgive me for keeping the secret from you…but, no matter how much I trusted you, I simply could not speak of something so intimate, so painful and so very personal for Cassandra. It was not my secret to share…”
“Oh, I do understand that you could not betray Cassandra’s confidence! I would never dare to be upset with you for that, and I would never expect you to reveal such a tale without Cassandra’s consent. This is not why I am angry.”
“Then it must be Cassandra’s confession…that she and David…you know… I imagine you were shocked to discover that… It is true that David told me about the incident, but I could not find a way to discuss it with you.”
“Oh, you must be the least perceptive man in the world! Or perhaps all men are alike, but I did not truly know one until now.” She looked even angrier – anger mixed with exasperation – and Darcy was at a loss to understand why.
“William, I confess I was surprised to hear about their…interlude, but only because I knew Cassandra had already rejected his proposal. Besides, how could I be shocked or scandalized, when I myself have been in the same compromising situation with you? You have not forgotten I came to your room last night?”
“Yes, but it was not the same situation; you cannot be blamed. We are to be married in less than a month…”
“I understand the differences between the situations; yet I am to blame, I know that. In any case, it is not for me to judge Cassandra’s behavior or the Colonel’s. I long ago learned to open my mind and not let prejudice or appearances guide my opinion of those around me. But why are we even speaking about that?! How can you imagine I would be upset with you because you did not share with me an intimate secret about your cousin and your friend? This is quite ridiculous!”
“Then why are you so displeased with me? In truth, this time I do not know myself guilty of any other charge.”
“Why?!” Her voice rose together with her head, and she glared at him furiously. “You knew only too well what kind of people the Markhams were! You knew the eldest had no scruples to murder Cassandra’s husband in the most dishonorable manner possible, and the younger was likely there to witness it! And what did you do? You exposed yourself to such danger, risking your life for a stupid confrontation.”
“Oh, this is the reason…Elizabeth, trust me, I was in no danger! I was not alone; David and other witnesses were present. David warned Markham he would shoot him instantly if he attempted anything against the rules.”
“Oh, David warned him! What a relief for me to know that, and what a palliation it would be for me to know Markham was dead were he to hurt you! Are all men so unreasonable – so stupid! – or is this just a trait on the Fitzwilliam side of your family?”
She seemed sincerely angry, and Darcy struggled not to laugh. He simply could not understand her worry or her delayed furious reaction. After all, everything ended for the better, did it not? He was certain Elizabeth, usually so bright and possessing strong understanding, was simply being unreasonable in this. She could not understand what duty and honor require from a man! But then again, it was expected for a woman not to understand that! This was why such things were always a gentleman’s business.
However, he did not dare to contradict her or upset her further. He replied with an open smile, caressing the long hair entwined about her shoulder. “It is a Fitzwilliam family trait…but other men are even worse, so you must be content with having me.”
He expected her to laugh, but she only narrowed her eyes in obvious exasperation and laid herself against the pillows once more. He continued to caress her hair, though she turned her back to him in an attempt to dismiss him.
“I was certain you would retire very late… I did not expect to see you tonight,” Elizabeth finally spoke.
“I did not plan to awaken you. I only wished to look at you for a moment, to be sure you were well. I was truly worried when I did not find you in your chamber.”
“I am glad you came,” she admitted reluctantly.
“Am I forgiven then?”
“Not at all, sir. Do not confuse things! I only said I am glad to see you – that does not mean I am less angry with you!”
“I see… should I leave now?”
“You may do as you wish, sir!”
She was still facing away from him, and he could not help but smile at her childish stubbornness. “Then, if you allow me, I will stay until you fall asleep. I promise I will not disturb you.”
“Very well then. Good night, sir.”
“Good night, my love,” he whispered and gently embraced her in his arms. She remained still for a few moments, and then she accepted his offering and snuggled back against his chest.
For some time only Elizabeth’s steady breath could be heard in the room, and Darcy was certain she was finally sleeping. His heart was melting with love and gratitude for her generous affection bestowed, not only upon him, but also upon his sister and his friends. “My dearest, loveliest Elizabeth,” he whispered and, with a last kiss on her temple, attempted to rise and return to his room.
Elizabeth’s soft voice startled him; and, to his surprise, she turned toward him and their eyes locked.
“William…if anything should ever happen to you…I will never be able to love anyone else, ever again. I could never be happy without you. My heart is so full of you that there would never be room for anyone else.”
He frowned, unable to take his eyes from her, unable to speak, unable to breathe. He knelt near her bed and took her hand, gently taking it to his lips. The lump in his throat did not allow him to speak for a few moments; when he did, it was not a simple reply but a statement.
“Nothing will happen to me, as long as it is in my power.”
“Will you promise me that? Will you promise you will protect not only me, but yourself as well?”
“I promise.”
Elizabeth moved to the edge of the bed to reach his face and cupped it, and then her own lips met his in a gentle, lingering kiss. There was no passion in it, only tenderness, love and a promise for their future life – and their future happiness.