Chapter 9

 

“Sometimes I wonder how I can restrain myself from strangling Wickham,” Darcy burst out, while pacing angrily in Lady Cassandra’s living room.

“Well, perhaps you should not restrain yourself so much,” answered Lady Cassandra; her mocking tone drew Darcy’s reproachful and angry look. He was in no mood for jokes.

“I warned you he would take advantage of you,” Colonel Fitzwilliam intervened from his chair. “The moment he saw you, he guessed you had an interest in this affair, and he speculated on it as much as he could. You should have left me to deal with him – I could have represented myself as a friend of the Gardiners, and I doubt he would have dared to demand such a sum! Not to mention that I do not possess such self control and restraint as you – and Wickham knows that only too well,” the Colonel concluded, with a meaningful look.

Darcy answered with no more than a tired gesture of his hand. “You know too well that Wickham is my responsibility – and the present situation is my mistake.”

The Colonel attempted to contradict him, but Lady Cassandra interrupted first. “Of course it is your mistake, Darcy! You have always been too kind to Wickham; you always allowed him to take advantage of your generosity and your honor. When he approached Georgiana last summer, you should have taken drastic measures against him.”

“Lady Cassandra, I am sorry, but I have to contradict you; I doubt any measures would teach Wickham to be an honorable man,” said the Colonel.

“Well, perhaps neither of you are considering the proper measures,” she answered, and the Colonel stared at her in wonder, wanting but not daring to inquire about the ‘proper measures’ to which she referred.

Darcy, however, seemed oblivious to their conversation.

A week had passed since Elizabeth and the Gardiners had left Pemberley and six days since he arrived in London, in search of the runaway pair.

That night, in his room, he and Cassandra had talked for more than two hours; she finally revealed everything to him and only in the end did she mention that Elizabeth insisted on her keeping the secret from Darcy.

Though he knew he should feel ashamed for both Cassandra and himself for ignoring Elizabeth’s desire and that he should suffer for Elizabeth’s pain and torment, Darcy selfishly felt nothing but utter happiness. Elizabeth had left not because she wanted to be away from him but because of the deepest consideration for him and Georgiana!

He, who had always taken great pride in his self control, impulsively considered saddling his horse that very moment to follow her, let her know that his tranquility meant nothing without her, and assure her he would do everything in his power to settle things. He would not allow Wickham to destroy his chance of happiness or darken the brightness of his future with Elizabeth.

Eventually, Cassandra made him see reason and convinced him to leave for London the next morning by carriage. The other guests – who had been informed that urgent business called Darcy to town immediately – left Pemberley a few days latter. Among the others in the party, only two were told about the misfortune which befell the Bennets: the Colonel – because both Darcy and Cassandra agreed that he could be useful in their search – and Bingley – because Darcy did not want to hide anything from him regarding Miss Bennet.

It was not difficult for Darcy to discover Wickham’s hiding place; one trip to Mrs. Younge’s house was enough for him to understand she was well-informed about the man’s location. Another visit and the proper sum severed her loyalty with her old friend, so a day later Darcy was climbing the stairs of the sordid inn where Wickham was hiding together with the youngest Miss Bennet. Darcy was at least pleased to notice Wickham’s shocked, even frightened expression the moment he saw him in the doorway. But his impertinence began to return with every passing minute, and he shamelessly demanded more as he noticed Darcy’s interest in having the situation solved as soon as possible. He refused to marry the young girl unless his demands were accepted – no less than 10,000 pounds. Darcy would have gladly given him that sum if he had the smallest hope the money would help Wickham put aside his old habits and turn into an honorable gentleman; but that would never happen – not with Wickham. Perhaps Cassandra was correct; perhaps some very harsh and drastic measures were required against the man. Wickham simply did not have enough sense to listen with any reason.

He was also angry that the youngest Miss Bennet would not even consider a return to her relatives’ home or any other place. She wanted nothing but to remain with her “dear Wickham” until they were married – which would surely happen some day. She refused to talk to Darcy alone and declared that nobody could persuade her to leave her fiancé, not even for a day. She was not to be moved in that; and, when Darcy insisted, she raised her voice so high that he was afraid the whole inn would hear them. There was nothing else to be done except to make them marry as soon as possible.

“So what do you intend to do next, cousin? Will you allow me to intervene now?”

“No…no, it will not be necessary… I will meet him again tomorrow afternoon. In the morning I have a very early meeting with my solicitors. Wickham gave me the list of his creditors, and we must contact them as soon as possible.”

“Darcy, have you talked to the Gardiners? Have you informed them that you discovered their niece?”

“No – not yet; I plan to do so tomorrow; I did call on Mr. Gardiner as soon as I ended my meeting with Wickham, but I was told Mr. Gardiner was out with his brother-in-law, Mr. Bennet. The servant, who remembered me, informed me that Mr. Bennet is to depart tomorrow morning for Hertfordshire, which is the best turn of events. I would much rather talk to Mr. Gardiner alone, as I would not want Mr. Bennet to be aware of my interference in any way.”

“Well,” said Cassandra, “I will call at Gracechurch Street first thing tomorrow. I am very anxious to see Mr. and Mrs. Gardiner again. Will you join me, Darcy?”

“Yes, yes, that seems a very good idea, Cassandra; we will call together; and, even if Mr. Bennet is still there, I will find a way to speak privately to Mr. Gardiner.”

“But cousin, why on earth do you not want to talk to Mr. Bennet, as well?” asked the Colonel. “He is the first one interested in this, as it is about his daughter and the honor of his family.”

“I do not want Mr. Bennet to know about my involvement; I do not want Elizabeth to know about my involvement,” answered Darcy, his voice full of emotion. “In fact, I want both of you to promise me this will remain a secret matter among the three of us; nobody must know any details. I will inform Mr. Gardiner and perhaps Bingley about as much as I consider necessary – but nothing more.”

“Oh, for heaven’s sake, Darcy,” cried Lady Cassandra, rolling her eyes in exasperation. “Do not do that to me again! This is quite ridiculous – Elizabeth made me promise I would not tell you about the elopement, and now you want me to promise I will not tell her about your involvement in resolving the elopement. Quite ridiculous,” she repeated with a glance to the Colonel who seemed to agree with her.

“Cassandra, it is not ridiculous at all! And it is your duty as a friend to respect my wish in this; you should understand better than anyone that I do not want Elizabeth’s gratitude! I do not want her to believe she owes me anything or to feel obliged to repay me.”

“Oh, let it be as you want,” she accepted with another rolling of her green eyes, and the Colonel smiled. “But truly Darcy, if you still believe ‘gratitude’ is the word for Miss Bennet’s feelings, you are a complete fool!” she concluded.

Then she turned to the Colonel – who by now was laughing openly – and added, “Can you possibly believe this clueless man is the same one who gave Bingley advice on matters of the heart? How ridiculous is that? Of course, I will not start sharing my opinion about Bingley and his wisdom in asking advice, particularly from Darcy… Oh well, I had best go and see if dinner is ready. In the meantime, do try to talk to Darcy, Colonel. Perhaps you might change his opinion about both Wickham and Miss Elizabeth.”

However, neither the Colonel nor Lady Cassandra succeeded in changing any of Darcy’s opinions. He remained firm in his decision to deal with Wickham in his own manner and in his desire of keeping everything secret from the Bennet family.

The gentlemen left early after dinner. An hour later, after great struggles to find the most convenient solution for everyone involved, Lady Cassandra wrote two short notes and sent her servant to deliver them immediately and in great secret.

~/~/~/~

“Colonel, thank you for coming so early. May I offer you something to eat? A coffee or some tea?” Lady Cassandra hurried to meet the gentleman and invited him into the drawing room.

“Good morning, Lady Cassandra. I just had a very quick breakfast, but some coffee would be lovely. And in the meantime, allow me to ask about this secrecy at such an early hour. Did anything happen since last evening?”

“Sir, I dared to ask for your assistance in a private matter of some importance; forgive me for disturbing you but there are very few people in whom I trust."

“Thank you, your ladyship. I am glad you consider me worthy of your trust, however I am still very intrigued.”

“I can understand that, sir. Allow me to inform you briefly, as it is most likely that…”

She was interrupted by a servant’s entrance, informing her that a Mr. Wickham had just arrived to see her. She asked the visitor to be showed in, while she cast a quick glance at the Colonel; his countenance wore a frown, and the reproach in his eyes was easy to read. He was deeply displeased – that was obvious.

Equally obvious was the shock displayed on the visitor’s face the moment he saw not only Lady Cassandra but also the Colonel in the middle of the drawing room. Yet, he seemed to regain his composure enough to greet them both properly and genuinely.

“Lady Cassandra, what a wonderful surprise to see you after all these years! I have heard that your ladyship was in town, but I did not dare to hope I would have the chance to actually meet you. I cannot tell you how flattered I felt last evening when I received your invitation for a private meeting. However, such a special invitation made me believe that your ladyship would be receiving me alone.”

His voice sounded as confident and easy as a flirt while his eyes were betraying an irritating self-confidence. The Colonel suddenly rose from his chair in the face of that impertinent insinuation; but, with a barely noticeable gesture of her hand and a quick glance, Lady Cassandra pleaded with him to remain calm. Then she turned to Wickham, her eyes narrowed and their green color darkened.

“Mr. Wickham, before going any further with this conversation, please do me the favor of not playing the charming cad role with me. Surely you remember I never liked you –not even when we were children – and your charms never impressed me in any way other than to spoil my appetite.”

Instead of appearing offended, he laughed coldly without losing any of his self sufficiency.

“Well then, if not a tender affection for me, your invitation must be an attempt to support your friend, Darcy. Perhaps your ladyship knows how to negotiate better than he, or perhaps you have much more to offer? Let us hear what you have to say.”

This time the Colonel jumped from his seat instantly, and only Lady Cassandra’s hand gripping his arm stopped him from literarily whipping the man’s impertinent smile from his face. He remained at Lady Cassandra’s side while she addressed Wickham with a steely voice.

“Mr. Wickham – we have been talking for only a few minutes and you have already made two major mistakes: you have behaved most impertinently, and you have presumed I called for you to negotiate. If you would have made the smallest effort of actually thinking, you would have remembered I am not the one to negotiate nor to allow any impertinences without some retribution.”

“Well, Lady Cassandra, regarding your accusation of being impertinent – your ladyship had known me all your life, so you must not be very surprised. As for negotiating – Darcy and I spent more than three hours last evening trying to reach an understanding about a situation which seemed to be of the highest interest to both of us. Now, I cannot help wondering about the nature of Darcy’s interest and yours as well. Surely Darcy was not a friend of the Bennets while he resided in Hertfordshire, so he must care little if I marry Lydia or not. I even considered he might have a peculiar interest in the girl herself, but I doubt my dear fiancée is the type of girl who might raise his interest. As for your ladyship – I am even more clueless.”

She remained silent while scrutinizing her interlocutor for a few long moments.

“Mr. Wickham, let us clarify one thing: I know that you just ran away with a young girl of sixteen named Lydia Bennet a few days ago with the pretense of eloping with her, but my guess is that you have no honorable intentions. However, your lack of honor is no surprise to me, and I did not invite you here today to discuss this aspect; even more so, though I did meet Miss Elizabeth and her relatives some time ago, I do not know any of her sisters or parents – so Lydia Bennet’s honor is surely not my main concern. In fact, allow me to tell you that I care nothing at all about her – you may do whatever you want with her.”

“I am sure the Bennets would not agree with you in this…”

“I am sure they would not – but their opinion is of a little consequence to me either; I have not the slightest intention of asking them. In any case, I think it would be much better for that girl not to marry you! After all, she is not the first and certainly will not be the last young girl to run away with a rascal.”

“Your ladyship is very outspoken, as always. I wonder if Darcy was informed about this meeting and what he thinks of it.”

“You are making another mistake, Mr. Wickham, by presuming I am in any way interested in Darcy's opinion on this matter. In fact – he cannot have much to say; if he would have dealt with you properly last summer, you would not have been in the position of taking advantage of any young, innocent young lady ever again.”

Wickham’s brows frowned in wonder and disbelief at that statement, and the Colonel’s surprise when he turned to face Lady Cassandra was no less. What was she implying? This was the question which bothered both men.

Wickham struggled to regain his calm while inquiring with apparent easiness, “Lady Cassandra, if you are not interested in my marriage with Miss Bennet, may I ask why your ladyship fetched me here this morning? I should be home, waiting for Darcy to come and discuss the remaining details of this important matter.”

“Oh, but this is a very important matter as well, Mr. Wickham. I asked you here today to tell you that I am very seriously displeased with you. And you might remember that, even when I was a little girl, when I was displeased with something I simply removed the object of my displeasure.”

“Your ladyship should be more specific so I can understand your meaning,” he replied, his overconfident grin vanishing again from his face. “As I said, I am clueless about this entire situation.”

“Oh, you are not clueless, Mr. Wickham, you are simply stupid – too stupid to understand that you are in a very difficult position.”

“Lady Cassandra, I am not here to be insulted…”

“Indeed you will listen to even more, Wickham! You deserve much worse! You are but a spoiled brat who had the good fortune of having the affection of your own parents as well as the late Mr. Darcy’s; you were offered the materials and the necessary support to succeed in life and to became a worthy and esteemed gentlemen; instead, you became a lowly gambler and polluted the memory of your excellent father and godfather. Furthermore, you tried to hurt in the worst possible way your godfather’s daughter – my most beloved Georgiana – who is the dearest person in the world to me. It must be easy to understand, even for you, how I feel and what kind of measures I am tempted to take against you.”

While she spoke, her tone remained low and steady, but the coldness grew with each word. She stepped toward him while his discomfort increased; unconsciously, he stepped backward to maintain a distance from her.

“I was angry and disgusted when you approached Darcy like a beggar, crying to get more money, pretending you wanted to study to be a lawyer. Indeed, I was so very angry that if I had been in Darcy’s position, I would have known better how to answer such a shameful attempt at deception! Yet he complied, hoping there might still be a chance for you to change for the better. So how did you repay his generosity? You took advantage of Georgiana with not the smallest consideration for all the pain and grief you caused her! For heaven’s sake – she was a child with whom you grow up! You held her in your arms when she was but an infant! You watched her learning to walk and speak her first words! What kind of human being are you?”

Her anger took control over her senses and her turmoil turned her face livid. Colonel Fitzwilliam was watching the sharp, heated exchange with a curiosity full of worry; the tension in the room was palpable, and he moved his eyes from the lady to the man who stood in front of her appearing deeply disconcerted. It was obvious Wickham did not know what to answer. He cannot possibly have anything left to say. His little scheme against Darcy has no power this time. Neither the honor, the memory of the late Mr. Darcy, the remembrance of a childhood together nor the care for the Bennet family seem to matter to Lady Cassandra.

Though her victory became more and more clear, the Colonel moved closer to her side, to protect her, afraid her words would make Wickham angry and violent. However, Wickham was pale, frozen in the middle of the room, his eyes starring at Lady Cassandra, blinking repeatedly. He obviously tried to answer, yet he could not.

“I…I never hurt Georgiana… I never did anything… I did not try to do anything… I barely kissed her hand a few times…”

“I know that, Wickham; that is why you are here now, healthy and free to talk to me.”

Both men looked at her, equally shocked, trying to understand the true meaning of her reply. She continued. “You did not physically abuse her in any way, but you still hurt her, as well as Darcy. In fact, for the last ten years you have done nothing but hurt the Darcys and everybody else around who were fools enough to trust you. Many of those people were my friends, so hurting them meant you hurt me as well – and I will not tolerate that any longer. ”

She paused again, allowing Wickham little time to comprehend her words.

“Lady Cassandra, I did not even meet Darcy or Georgiana in the last year. It was Darcy who interfered in my business this time, so perhaps he is the one with whom you should have this talk. He made me an offer yesterday, and I refused it – I dare say I am allowed to accept or refuse anything I want,” Wickham answered in a last attempt to maintain his past advantage.

“You are a liar too – and a very poor one; in fact, you are quite poor in every way, I dare say.”

“Lady Cassandra, these offences…”

“These offences are what, Mr. Wickham? Are you surprised that I am not treating you as politely as Darcy did? Well, you should become accustomed to that, because I am not Darcy! Darcy always behaved with the consideration that was due to a life time acquaintance and to his father’s memory. Darcy is a deeply honorable gentleman who does only what is proper. I am just a very spoiled and very rich woman who cares about nothing but my own wishes and my own happiness. I am also very resentful and possess an awful temper – you should have known that by now. I do not admit contradiction and never forgive those who have defied my desires. As I said – if something bothers me, I simply pay a few people to remove that thing from my way. And you, Wickham, are just a ‘thing’ in my way!”

Pale and wordless, his jaws tightly gripped together with a vein pulsating wildly at his temple, Wickham kept looking at Lady Cassandra for a moment; their eyes met and her sharp, cold gaze held his defeated one. The Colonel was certain that Wickham had taken Lady Cassandra’s words – even those unsaid – to heart and saw the fear in his countenance.

“What do you want me to do, Lady Cassandra? I imagine you want me to accept Darcy’s offer?” he asked eventually, averting his gaze from her.

“You may do whatever you please, Mr. Wickham; my only wish is to be happy and content and I cannot be so unless my friends, Darcy and Georgiana, are also happy and content. Last night after he met you, Darcy was deeply displeased, and I am sure his poor mood affected Georgiana as well. I do not know if his state of mind had anything to do with you, and I will not speculate about it. I only hope he will be more happy this evening. Now if you do not have anything important to tell me, please excuse me. I want to return to my usual business.”

~/~/~/~

As soon as Wickham left the room with his shoulders down and his eyes directed toward his shoes, Lady Cassandra seemed to lose her strength. She moved tentatively to the couch as her knees appeared unable to support her; the Colonel hurried to help her as he almost took her in his arms and placed her on the nearest settee. He then filled a glass with wine and brought it to her, sitting next to her; she took the glass with trembling hands and raised it to her lips. “Thank you,” she whispered, attempting a smile.

“Colonel Fitzwilliam, please forgive that horrible spectacle you had to witness,” she said a few minutes later, when she regained her spirits. “I do not dare imagine what you might think of me now…”

“Lady Cassandra, surely you cannot be serious; I have known you for so many years that I know what to think of you…”

He looked at her in earnest while he took her hand and pressed it to his lips. “I know that you are not simply a rich, spoiled woman, and I know there are many things which matter to you beyond your own wishes and pleasures. I know you are kind and generous and many people have had the benefit of the goodness of your heart. I cannot even imagine how hard it must have been for you to act as you did in front of Wickham… However, I dare say your performance was quite convincing…poor bastard, he was really frightened that you would actually pay somebody to take his miserable life…” He smiled, trying to lighten the tension and make her smile; however, her countenance remained somber.

“The truth is I did not pretend…not really…and I am not at all as good as you believe me to be. I have hated Wickham since I was very young… He took advantage of one of my maids and she almost died giving birth to a child. Eventually she survived but the child was born dead. I shall never forget that dead baby's little face and his mother’s despair when she had to bury her son. Since that moment I never forgave Wickham; my father allowed me to take care of the maid in the best way possible, but Wickham was never punished. My father said these kinds of unfortunate things happened all the time with young gentlemen and servant girls. Sadly, now I know this is true, but back then I was deeply upset with my father and with Mr. Darcy… And when Darcy told me how Wickham attempted to elope with Georgiana, I really, really wished he were dead! I am sorry to say it, but that is the truth.”

She grew so agitated that the Colonel could not hide his worry – it was the first time he had ever seen her in such turmoil.

“Lady Cassandra, I understand you perfectly, as I have had exactly the same feelings about him… But please do not allow that scoundrel to upset you so… He does not deserve such attention.”

“You are very wise, Colonel.” She finally smiled though tears that threatened the green of her eyes. “I must follow your advice, sir! I shall not think of Wickham any more – but God, I am truly sorry for that girl. I hoped my intervention would help Darcy reach an understanding with Wickham today, but on the other hand I feel I need to do something more. Perhaps visiting Mrs. Gardiner and offering to help Miss Lydia in some way? I could send her away to the country with a companion, and we could pretend she is visiting a distant relative? Anything to save her from marrying that man!”

“Lady Cassandra, let us calm down for a moment! I applaud your generosity, and, yes, I agree that you may try to talk to Mrs. Gardiner about that… But remember that Darcy already told us he attempted to take Miss Lydia from there, and she refused him decidedly. She seemed determined to marry Wickham, so I doubt there is much we can do. Of course, we will try – I promise I will help you. Yet, we must be patient, and we surely must not interfere further without Darcy’s knowledge. He will be very angry anyway that you met Wickham and exposed yourself so much. He could have hurt you!”

“No indeed, Colonel – not as long as you were here to protect me,” she said sweetly, her lips twisted in a flirty smile.

“Hmm…your confidence flatters me but I am sure Darcy will not be impressed by it; we will try to find something else to keep his rage under control.” He laughed and she did the same; neither of them seemed to notice he was still holding her hand.

“Colonel,” Lady Cassandra continued in an earnest voice, “I truly want to thank you for assisting me and supporting me in this though I did not inform you about my intentions. I know you disapproved my actions, so your support is even more appreciated. As for Darcy, if he discovers our little scheme, I will insist you knew nothing and the entire fault was mine.”

“Lady Cassandra, I shall pretend you did not say that,” he answered well-humored. “What will you believe of me if I allow a lady to take the blame for me?”

“Colonel, as you just said, I have known you for so many years that my opinion about you is very clear.”

“Not too negative, I hope.”

“No, certainly not negative.” She became aware of their connected hands and withdrew hers slowly.

“I am glad to hear that.” He smiled again then added. “I really hope this unfortunate situation will end very soon; Darcy seems very taken aback and Georgiana is not much better. Not to mention Bingley, who keeps asking when we will return to Hertfordshire with him.”

“But…Colonel, you know it is very possible that, once he returns to Hertfordshire, Darcy will propose to Miss Bennet again at some point?”

“Well, I surely hope so; to tell you the truth, I grow quite tired of this uncertain and dramatic situation.” His joyous voice and his light countenance contradicted the seriousness of his words.

“You do? I was under the impression that you…”

“Please continue, Lady Cassandra; what about me?”

“I thought you might have an interest in Miss Bennet yourself. I could not help noticing you seemed to admire her very much.”

He looked at her, an incredulous expression on his face. "I do admire Miss Bennet very much; I find her a very charming lady in every respect, and I hope she considers me a friend. And I confess I was worried for her well-being regarding one aspect, until I received the assurance that my limited observations had no real grounds for concern. But not for a moment has Miss Bennet been the center of my interest or my attentions. I…uhm…had hoped…well, that is I have hoped that your ladyship – who is so very perceptive – would have long ago noticed where my admiration most lay.”

It was her turn to look at him with wonder and no little concern. “Colonel, I must ask what you mean as I am certainly not as perceptive as you might believe?”

They were still sitting on the same couch, only a few inches between them. Suddenly that distance seemed too confining to him; he rose and took a few steps away from her.

“Lady Cassandra, I know this is not the best moment for such a conversation and I will not insist any further for now. I am more than willing to wait as long as necessary for your answer. However, since this subject has been raised, I cannot go further without asking your permission to…court you…as I do not dare ask for more at this present time.”

Her perfect brows frowned and her cheeks turned crimson. She hurried to her feet and stood still in front of him, shaking her head in disapproval.

“Colonel Fitzwilliam, please do not do that to me. I beg you, let us finish this conversation this instant and forget that you asked me that question.”

His countenance darkened and for a moment he forgot to breathe. “Lady Cassandra, I am afraid I do not understand your meaning. Forgive me but I cannot accept that reply without insisting you tell me why I am to receive such a quick and sound rejection? Was it not just a quarter of an hour since you let me know you have a positive opinion about me?”

“I do, I do, and that is precisely why I asked you not to go further with this…” For a moment she covered her face with her hands then, trying to regain some composure, she moved a step closer. “Colonel Fitzwilliam, we have been dear friends for all my life, though we had not been in each other’s company as much as I was with Darcy. I will not deny that I value your friendship and I esteem you. I also understand that, in your situation, you must marry a woman with fortune; and please believe me, if I had any intention of entering into an arranged marriage, I would accept your offer with much gratitude. But this is not the case. I do not intend to marry at all and surely I would not accept an arrangement of this kind. You must have known that…” She tried to touch his arm with her hand but he withdrew a step back. His eyes narrowed while his gaze locked hers.

“Indeed Lady Cassandra, your words do not betray any kind of consideration you might have for me. May I wonder why, with so little patience, your ladyship hurried to presume that my reason was such a mercenary one? And why, if your ladyship had such a good opinion of me as you just declared, you did not spend a single moment considering that, perhaps, it was not an ‘arranged’ marriage I had in mind?”

“Colonel, please, let us speak with calmness…”

He was raising his voice, he knew that, yet he could not control his anger – no, not anger, but utter disappointment. He had asked some questions, but he could not wait for her answer – her reply had been very eloquent from the first moment.

“No, I believe no talk is necessary…in fact I must beg your forgiveness for placing you in such a delicate situation. Your ladyship was correct; we had better put this matter behind us and never mention it again. Now please excuse me…” He turned almost violently and hurried to the door with no other word; no longer than a moment passed until she reached him and grabbed his arm with strength and determination.

“Colonel Fitzwilliam, you cannot possibly leave now! Please allow me a few more minutes. We are both very tired and still affected after the meeting with Wickham; obviously this entire situation is a misunderstanding.”

He stopped; her hand was burning his arm through the fabric of his coat. “There is no misunderstanding, Lady Cassandra. Unfortunately there is nothing to clarify. My feelings are very clear – at least to me – and if I did not speak sooner it was because I did not want to interfere…”

“But sir, we have known each other for twenty years! All this time you treated me with the care due to a younger sister. I have never noticed any other kind of attention…” She paused and looked deeply into his eyes for a long moment. “Countless times when I was in your company I saw you among many charming young ladies – in fact you had always been a great favorite of all young ladies! I am sure I correctly interpreted the difference in your behavior toward them and toward me.”

His gaze remained locked with hers and his countenance changed instantly; yet, he found nothing to answer.

“As for my presumption that your interest is in an advantageous marriage arrangement, not for a moment did I intend to offend you. It was you who mentioned so many times in the past that you need to be very careful whom you marry, as the second son of an earl does not have the liberty of choosing freely. When I said I have no wish to enter into such an arrangement I did not mean to sound offensive – I only gave you my opinion in a matter that is very common and sometimes even very agreeable for many people.”

She knew her words had – at least partially – the desired effect on him. The apprehension appeared clearly on his face and very soon it was followed by an expression of utter distress. He averted his eyes from her for some time in an obvious attempt of searching for the proper words.

“Lady Cassandra – again you were right and I was wrong, completely wrong. Aside from choosing the most unfortunate moment for declaring my feelings, it is true that nothing in my past behavior could testify to the seriousness of my intentions. I also have to beg your forgiveness for my ungentlemanly behavior these past few minutes – my temper betrayed me.”

She attempted a smile to show her acceptance of the truce; but the smile vanished a moment later when he continued. “I shall not speak of this for as long as it is necessary to gain your trust in my affection – and to come to regard it not as a brother’s affection! I shall renew my professions and my address only when I am certain you will welcome them.”

“Colonel, please, you misunderstood me, sir! I did not mean to encourage you in this nor did I intend to toy with your feelings. Sir, let me be very clear: I have no intentions of marrying you or anyone else – not now nor in the future – I cannot promise that anything will ever change in this matter. So please do not waste your time with something you will never accomplish.”

His disappointment was so strong, so openly displayed, that her heart melted; yet she knew there was nothing to do for it. He moved slowly toward the door and she was certain she would never see him the same way as before, nor would their friendship ever be the same. After only a few steps, he stopped and looked straight into her eyes, his gaze losing all its usual joy and easiness.

“Lady Cassandra, may I be so bold as to ask one more question, a very impertinent and highly improper question?”

“Please do, sir.” Her voice was barely audible.

“Is there…is there another gentleman who owns your heart? A gentleman whom you would want to marry but you cannot for some reason? Is this why you are not allowing me any chance at all?”

She paused for a long moment then averted her eyes while she replied. “Sir, there is no other gentleman I would wish to marry, nor is my heart engaged in the way you presume. Please allow me the benefit of your kindness and do not ask more about that.” She kept her eyes averted as she did not trust her emotions well enough to remain calm and look at him again; obviously, he noticed her state of utter distress; she could not conceal it. She wished at that moment that he would leave quickly as he first intended to do.

“I see… Of course I will not insist more. You must have long desired my absence, so I will go now.” Another pause and he turned to her again. “Lady Cassandra, will you allow me in your company again or would you rather not see me for awhile?”

“Sir, I have never wanted your absence. As I said, there are very few people in the world whom I value as much as I do you. That will never change.”

“Thank you, your ladyship,” he added before he stepped outside her view and pulled the door behind him.

***

Much later that day, Darcy arrived to take Lady Cassandra to call at Gracechurch Street. He was shocked to see his dear friend pale and in distress, not the smallest smile on her face and her eyes without any expression; it was as if all her blood and her liveliness were drained from her. Neither that day nor the days which followed could he convince her to confess to him the reason for her unusual sadness. However, as time passed, her behavior did regain its usual liveliness and she appeared to be very much her former self, at least in the presence of strangers. She visited the Gardiners almost daily and offered all the help Mrs. Gardiner needed; she even tried to talk some sense into Miss Lydia’s head, with very little success. Hardly anyone else noticed the changes in her.

But Darcy knew well enough about hidden suffering – and instinctively knew that was what was happening to his dear friend. Yet, for the time being, in the middle of all those urgent and grave problems, with Lydia Bennet’s and Wickham’s situation on his mind and with Lady Cassandra’s determination to remain silent, there was nothing else he could do to relieve her silent sufferings. All he could do was to be around her as much as he could, even when, for the first time in twenty years, she refused to talk to him and even withdrew from his company. He knew it would soon be his turn to help her as she had helped him a few months earlier.

~/~/~/~

A month had passed since Elizabeth had left Pemberley – yet it seemed more like a lifetime.

That day, when the rain was covering her own tears - while Pemberley and her heart had remained behind the carriage – she was certain she would not be able to bear the pain which was fiercely cutting her soul. Yet, only a few days later she was proved wrong.

The moment she had reached the door of her home at Longbourn, she understood her grief had no room and no time in a family so deranged, with their father absent, their mother incapable of exertion and requiring constant attendance, and with everything on Jane’s fragile shoulders; Elizabeth immediately took the biggest share of the burden on herself and occupied each minute of her day with all the things needed in the house.

She did not even feel the tiredness, in fact it helped her not to think of anything, not to feel the pain which was hidden deep in her heart; neither did she need food or sleep. In fact she avoided sleep for almost the entire month, as sleep meant dreams and her dreams – all her dreams – were only of one kind. No, not of one kind – of many, many kinds but all of them had at their center only one person.

Some of her dreams pained her, some of them made her wake up crying, some of them made her ashamed of her weakness and her wantonness. In all of them was only Darcy, as he had been in London and later at Pemberley: his deep, tender voice, the look in his eyes – either tender and light or darkened by a feeling which Elizabeth could not name but only guess – his fingers entwined with hers, his soft lips touching her hand or her forehead. To her utter distress, there were times when she dreamed more than that: nights when, in her restless sleep, she had imagined his kisses, his caress, his whispers covering her with passion and tenderness and leaving her breathless and crying for more; and each of those times, in her dreams, she desired with all her heart to answer him with the same passion, yet each time she could not. Each time she felt unable to move, to speak, to reveal to him her true feelings and desires; and each time he eventually left in the darkness, and she awoke with her heart racing wildly and her body wrapped in cold perspiration.

No, she did not need sleep – it was her worst enemy, leaving her mind and soul even more tired than the evening before.

After a week of searching and no other news except that the fugitives had not yet been found, a letter came from Mr. Gardiner that Mr. Bennet would return home. Elizabeth knew any hope was lost and later that night in their room, she and Jane both cried for Lydia…and for other reasons that neither of them dared share with the other. An unspoken understanding was settled between them: despite what he had told Elizabeth at Pemberley – and had made Jane happier then ever before in her life – Mr. Bingley would surely never return to Netherfield, and they most likely would never meet him again – nor his friends.

However, to their utter surprise, a few days later another letter from Mr. Gardiner arrived stating that Lydia and Wickham had been found, and a week later they were married. A glimpse off hope rose in Jane’s spirit; as for Mrs. Bennet, she was happier than ever.

Not possessing Jane’s genuine heart, Elizabeth was not so easily convinced by the unexpected happy ending. She wondered again and again what had happened and by what method and with what expense did Mr. Gardiner convince Wickham to marry Lydia; she dared to talk only with her father about that delicate matter and was shocked when Mr. Bennet confessed he suspected a sum of around 10,000 pounds. Surely that was much more than her uncle could afford and undoubtedly much more than Mr. Bennet would ever be able to repay.

If only Lydia had a chance of being happy or at least of having a comfortable life! However, the hope was very small; she was convinced of that a few days later.

Noisy and careless and as impertinent and thoughtless as ever, the newly married Wickhams arrived at Longbourn before departing for the North where Mr. Wickham was expected to very soon take a new commission.

Mrs. Bennet and probably Kitty were the only ones who were found to be truly pleased with their visit. Mr. Bennet’s reception was very cold; Elizabeth and Jane, though pleased to see their sister well and unharmed, could not hide their disapproval of Lydia’s untamed, unabashed, wild, noisy, and fearless behavior. Lydia turned from sister to sister, demanding their congratulations; and when at length they all sat down, looked eagerly round the room, took notice of some little alteration in it, and observed, with a laugh, that it was a great while since she had been home where nothing seemed to have changed, but everything in her situation had, for now she was a married woman.

Wickham was not at all more distressed than his wife; his manners were as pleasing as before and his smile very charming while he claimed their relationship. Elizabeth was disgusted, and even Miss Bennet was shocked. She blushed, and Jane blushed; but the cheeks of the married couple who caused their confusion suffered no variation of color.

During dinner, Wickham, who happened to sit near Elizabeth, began inquiring after his acquaintance in the neighborhood with a good-humored ease which she felt very unable to equal in replies. He seemed to have the happiest memories in the world about his time in Meryton and nothing in the past was recollected with pain. Elizabeth resolved within herself to draw no limits in future to the impudence of an impudent man. After dinner, while they were all gathered in the drawing room, her new brother-in-law approached Elizabeth who tried to retire in a corner as far from the others as possible.

"I am afraid I interrupt your solitude, my dear sister," said he.

"You certainly do," she replied, forcing a smile to conceal her displeasure, "but it does not follow that the interruption must be unwelcome."

"I should be sorry indeed if it were. We were always good friends; and now we are better."

"True. We had been friends at some point and now we are family. Things have changed unexpectedly and very quickly indeed.”

"Things have changed,” he repeated, looking at her with interest. “I found from our uncle and aunt that you have actually seen Pemberley."

“Yes, I have had that pleasure.” Her voice trembled slightly as she answered.

“I confess I was very surprised to hear that you and Mr. and Mrs. Gardiner grew quite close to Darcy. I know how much you have always disliked him.”

He smiled again, looking at her meaningfully; her cheeks turned crimson, equally from the subject of the conversation and his impertinent familiarity in addressing her.

“Mr. Wickham, if I remember correctly I already mentioned to you when we met last time that my opinion about Mr. Darcy had changed completely after I had come to know him better; and, being more in his company in the last weeks only helped me to understand why so many people seemed to admire and appreciate his character. As for Mr. Gardiner, I cannot speak for him but I dare say he seemed to value his acquaintance with Mr. Darcy and Colonel Fitzwilliam very much.”

Elizabeth hoped she had silenced him; but he soon afterwards continued.

“Yes, I remember our conversation just before we left Meryton. However, it appeared that Darcy had improved even more on a closer acquaintance, had he not?”

Elizabeth’s patience reached the edge of her tolerance; she looked around the room for Jane, hoping for some help in that annoying discussion, but her sister seemed occupied listening to Lydia. She returned her attention to her companion.

“Sir, may I dare ask how Mr. Darcy’s character came into your conversation with my uncle? I would think you had other and more urgent business to talk about,” she said, her raised eyebrow expressing clearly her opinion about that ‘urgent business.’ But he remained as calm as before.

“Oh, we did not talk about that subject, but I had the opportunity to actually witness the relationship between Mr. Gardiner and Darcy. Did you not know that we all met in your uncle’s home a few times?”

Elizabeth’s heart stopped then started to race wildly; what was the man talking about?

“Mr. Darcy? Mr. Darcy was in town? In my uncle’s home?” She realized her surprise and her interest were betraying her, but she could not control herself – and indeed her interlocutor did not miss her reaction. A smile of satisfaction spread over his face.

“Yes, he was, and he seemed quite familiar with the surroundings, so I imagine it was not his first visit there. And he was not alone, but in the company of Lady Cassandra; you did meet Lady Cassandra, am I correct?”

Elizabeth’s head was spinning from countless questions and fears and hopes, and a few long moments passed until she could breathe again. The notion that he had been in London and met Wickham was something impossible to believe and even more so to understand. What was he doing in London? And Lady Cassandra? It cannot be; it was not possible to be a simple coincidence, yet it was also unbelievable that either Mr. Darcy or her ladyship would have willingly met Lydia or Wickham. But if it was true, that meant he knew what happened to Lydia; he knew and, even more so, he agreed to meet with Wickham – more than once. “No, that cannot be… I surely misunderstood that.” How was that possible? Had Lady Cassandra betrayed her confidence?

“Dear sister, I hope I did not upset you with that news…” He was looking at her with the same self-sufficient smile.

“No indeed, sir, why would I be upset? Surely it is my uncle’s privilege to receive any guests he wanted in his own home.” She struggled to maintain her calm, yet she desperately searched for a reason to leave him and retire to her room. She needed to think, alone, in the solitude of her room, and she needed to write her aunt immediately! Mrs. Gardiner was the only one who could clarify things for her.

More animated and leaning toward her to whisper, he continued. “Lady Cassandra did not seem as friendly as Darcy was to your relatives, to tell you the truth. In fact, I dare say she appeared to highly disapprove Darcy’s closeness to the Gardiners. And even more so, since as we are now brother and sister, I have to warn you she confessed to me she cared not at all about Lydia or about any of your family.”

She looked at him with equal surprise and disbelief; what did he try to imply? And what was he trying to accomplish?

“Sir,” she replied, her eyes narrowing slightly to search his face better, “I am really surprised that Lady Cassandra confessed such a thing to you in my uncle’s house, in the presence of my relatives.”

He appeared clearly disconcerted and averted his eyes instantly; his countenance was changed. “It was not in Mr. Gardiner’s house…we met one day and it was then that we spoke.”

“I see… You met Lady Cassandra privately? This is also astonishing, as I know from a very good source that Lady Cassandra does not care much about you either, sir.” She could not be polite any longer. She had had enough of him and his impertinence. Before he found the words to reply, she continued:

“Sir, it appears that your time in London had been very busy and highly animated: in such a short time you met my uncle and aunt, Mr. Darcy and also Lady Cassandra more than once while you managed to arrange your marriage to my sister and obtain a new commission as well. You have all my admiration for such efficiency, sir – as I said, quite astonishing!”

As she spoke, each of her words seemed to offer her little parts of answers to some of her tormenting questions. Everything sounded so logical, so clear that she was afraid to dare believe it. Everything was connected; she could now see that very clearly. But how tightly things were connected and to whom – she had no courage to even presume. She needed certainties, not wild guesses, and she knew to whom to apply.

“If you will be so kind as to excuse me now, sir, I have to join my sisters and spend a little time with them. Lydia will leave tomorrow and I have hardly spoken to her at all.” She rose decidedly and he politely offered to accompany her to the other ladies, but she barely heard him. Lydia’s joyful voice could not keep Elizabeth’s attention either; she heard her but did not listen at all.

The entire rest of the evening Elizabeth did nothing but consider the extraordinary information she had just discovered. From time to time, she wondered why Wickham would tell her about Darcy and try to present Lady Cassandra in such a poor light – as it was obvious he had done it on purpose; but that was not by far the most important thing to her. Many other questions were waiting for the proper answers.

That night – before she even attempted to sleep – she wrote a long and pleading letter to her aunt, asking for all the details about Mr. Darcy’s presence and his meetings with Mr. Wickham. The letter was sent the next morning, and Elizabeth started to count the days, the hours, the minutes, until Mrs. Gardiner’s reply would arrive.

However, Mrs. Gardiner’s reply was delayed – for quite a long time, it appeared to Elizabeth. A week after the Wickhams left for the North there was still no letter from Mrs. Gardiner, but one morning Mrs. Phillips barged into the house, her impatient, excited voice resounding in every corner. Netherfield was re-opened, and Mr. Bingley was expected back, together with a very large party of friends.

From that time, Jane blossomed moment by moment. She did not admit it, not even to her dearest sister, Elizabeth, that her change of state had anything to do with the long expected return of a certain neighbor, but her beauty and the light in her eyes spoke more than any words. Jane was happy and hopeful – and so was Elizabeth, not for herself but for her sister. If Mr. Bingley decided to return and if nothing or anyone else convinced him against that decision – then Jane must have been the main reason for his decision. As he had told her at Pemberley, he would return for Jane, not for shooting birds on the grounds of his estate. Yes, at least Jane will be happy, and her happiness was more powerful to Elizabeth than her own fears and turmoil.

Finally, Mr. Bingley’s party arrived, and the news reached Longbourn just before dinner; Mrs. Bennet's agitation was unbearable and the dinner turned into a very noisy argument. Mr. Bennet resisted with much strength his wife's demand of visiting Mr. Bingley first thing the next morning – or even that very evening. His refusal only made Mrs. Bennet more impatient and her nerves forbade her to eat almost anything at all; she kept insisting that Jane and Elizabeth support her in her fight with Mr. Bennet, but both girls were much too distressed to even understand her or reply properly.

As many times before during those weeks, Elizabeth could hardly sleep that night. She wondered again and again who were the other members of the party hosted at Netherfield and did not dare to allow hope to wrap her heart. Even if he had come with the others, surely his intentions toward her had utterly changed… No matter how strong his feelings for her had been while she was at Pemberley, they could not possibly overcome a sentiment so natural as abhorrence against such a family connection with being a brother-in-law to Wickham! Every kind of pride must revolt from the connection. She was revolted at the very thought of placing either him or Georgiana in such a situation. No, there was no hope that her mind could admit.

The next morning Elizabeth woke up when the sun had just risen, after no more than a couple of hours of restless sleep. She felt she needed fresh air to breathe and solitude to be alone with her memories.

She left the house and her steps took her along old and well-known paths until her home remained far behind and the beautiful prospect of Netherfield appeared in front of her. She stared at the big house until her eyes hurt, though she knew it was not possible to actually see anybody. She grew upset with her own silliness and, angry and distressed, turned and walked back as soon as she could. She left the main path and climbed the hill, through the trees, until she reached her favorite place – the highest peak of all, from where she had seen Mr. Bingley and Mr. Darcy for the first time, riding along the Netherfield grounds. Almost a year had passed since that day. “Only a year?”

She closed her eyes while the wind caressed her face and took off her bonnet, allowing the breeze to play in her hair. Her soul was still heavy and her heart still prisoner of her grief – but at least she could breathe. And she could dream in the daylight, a dream so real that she could feel his presence behind her; she was still convinced she was dreaming when she heard his voice softly calling her name. “Miss Bennet…I have been walking in the grove some time in the hope of meeting you.”